ray of ecstasy
by tatty ted
Summary: The word hovers and hits her heart like a tonne of bricks. Loneliness. She never knew what that felt like until tonight, in her vulnerable state, staggering her way home. She realises she's utterly alone without a friend or a family to look after her. She doesn't like that feeling much. The feeling of being lonely. - —Duffy/OC. / Short Prequel to Flowers&Rainbows.
1. CHAPTER I

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**ray of ecstasy**  
_we're beautiful like a diamond._

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Oh God this wasn't meant to happen.

Not now, oh god, not now. She finds herself being sick in the bathroom and she knows she's pregnant. Call it instinct but it really had been six weeks since she slept with him, Ethan. That posh twat she couldn't help fall in love with.

She's sick once again and feels terrible inside because she can't confide in anyone. Her mother is dead, she died not long ago. Her father's too pre-occupied trying to keep her younger brother on the right side of the law. Her friends, her friends have their own problems to deal with.

She sits on the floor, brings her knees to her chest and cries because she doesn't know how she's going to cope with a baby as a Doctor. That's if she ever got round to qualifying as one. Her dreams seem so far away now she's got this human being inside of her.

A baby. Someone who was dependent on her.

She's scared, petrified even because she doesn't know what to do.

"Lauren?" There's a knock on the door, "are you alright? You've been ages?"

The familiar voice of her roommate filters through the silence. She swallows, stands up and flushes the chain. She unlocks the door and stares at her best friend Fiona, the concern etched on her face.

"I'm fine," her friends eyes bore into her and she can't help but blush bright red.

"What?"

There's a small silence before Fiona replis, "Are you sure everything's okay?"

She nods. Everything's fine. Everything's perfect, not. She's scared of everything. Her career. Her father. This baby, this thing. She brushes off her best friend's concern and wanders into the bedroom. She closes the door with a bang and falls to the floor, sobbing for the things she's lost.

She spends the rest of the day staring at the painted walls, wondering about her options. She knew she had the usual three.

She could keep the baby, bond with it for nine months and put her career on hold. She could, like many mothers-to-be terminate the pregnancy and get rid of the unwanted foetus. Or she could, (if she wanted to see it again in eighteen years time and explain) give her baby up for adoption and be prepared to explain why when it hit her in the face in the future.

She knew this was a mess. A huge, massive mess that she needed to sort out before it escalated (and she bonded with it a bit more)

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**jottings** / another short story, prequel to _Flowers&Rainbows_, set when Lauren was in University and got pregnant with Sofia. please, if you like it enough to favourite/alert, don't forget to leave a review. Thanks:3


	2. CHAPTER II

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**CHAPTER TWO**  
_i don't wanna be a murderer._

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Lauren reacts to trauma in three ways. She either locks herself away and criees, gets angry and punches the first thing she sees or goes out and gets completed slaughtered until she's no longer able to walk.

This trauma has elements of all three coping strategies. She'd locked herself away and cried. She'd gotten so mad she'd punched the wall and bruised her knuckles and now she planned on going out and forgetting about it, the thing inside her.

She pulls on her dress, bright red that always seems to empathise her small figure and slaps on some makeup so she doesn't look as pale. She looks good and that reflects inside because she feels good. Fiona looks at her from the living room, a small yet noticeable digust on her face.

"What?"

There's a pause, "Do you think it's wise to go out?"

"What do you mean?"

She shakes her head, "Forget it Lauren, forget I ever said anything."

"No," Lauren steps towards her, "Go on, you've opened your mouth now; you may as well finish your sentence."

"Do you really think it's wise to be drinking in your condition?"

"And what condition would that be Miss Marple?" She puts her hand on her hip and stares at the person she considers a sister.

"Pregnancy," the minute the words escape Fiona's mouth she regrets it. This is Lauren we're talking about, the girl not afraid to give her a slap if you offend her; "You're pregnant Lauren, you can't run from it. You've got to deal with it."

She should've known she couldn't keep it a secret from Fiona. Fiona was a bright girl, she'd have put together the emotional outbursts and the being sick for three days straight. Lauren doesn't answer, she doesn't know what to say, she just turns on her heels and leaves.

She's going to go out tonight and she's going to have fun.

She isn't going to think about _that _yet, she can't deal with that yet.

/

— She's alone at the bar, knocking back shots like they're heading out of fashion. She's a little drunk, stumbling into people, apologising for her antics. She orders three sambuca shots, has them in less than five seconds and stumbles towards the bathroom.

Inside she's sick a handful of times, wipes her mouth and ends up back on the dancefloor. She dances wildly, bottle of cherry VS in her hand and sings at the top of her voice to the music. She's having fun and she's forgotten about that thing, for now.

She stumbles home at three, some guys number in her bra and some left over notes. She's laughing to herself as she stumbles in her heels and it's only as she leans against a wall to stop herself from falling over, she realises how lonely she really is.

And she doesn't like the feeling of loneliness, the feeling that she's got nobody to talk too.

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**jottings** / like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	3. CHAPTER III

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**CHAPTER THREE**  
_boy you must've gone and bumped your head._

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She reaches home at four, at least not "home" but the place she considers to be. She tries to get her key in the door but it's quite difficult with the amount she's had to drink, the keyhole keeps moving side to side and she's trying her hardest to balance on her feet.

Her heels are in her hands, her dress is slightly dirty and she couldn't really care less.

She falls, literally into the house, the door banging against the wall and she puts her finger to her lips in a shushing montion and bursts out laughing. She turns to close the door, banging it harder than she needed and once again struggles to close the door.

"Lauren?"

She turns slowly to the voice. Fiona looks like she's not slept, that she's been awake all this time waiting for her. She's dressed in the same clothes as earlier, before Lauren stormed off to the club. There's nothing spoken between them, just silence.

Lauren tries to move but wobbles instead. Fiona holds her arm steading her up, "I think we should get you to bed."

"No, not tidy, want to drink."

"Lauren," Fiona sighs. The first time she ever met Lauren she knew she was a troubled kid. Not a kid but a teen who struggled to cope with some situations life threw her way. Now she was an adult and still found it difficult. All her answers were often found in the bottom of a shot glass.

"Come on Lauren, let's go to bed."

"I'm not tired," she states and stumbles into the wall. She breaks out in laughter and Fiona wishes Lauren could see what she does to herself. Some problems you weren't able to run from. You just had to face them head on and quickly before it messed you up even more.

Fiona gets Lauren to the bedroom and she passes out on the bed. She's snoring a little and Fiona tucks her into bed, heads into the bathroom and brings out the sick bucket. She places it beside the bed, along with a glass of water and a packet of paracetamol.

She turns to look at her best friend, whispers night and closes the door too.

That night Fiona doesn't sleep. She just worries about the mental state Lauren's in and is there anyway of getting out of it.

/

Three days pass in the same manner. Lauren refuses to discuss the idea that she's pregnant, goes out every night and gets completely hammered. Fiona stays awake, making sure she's arrived home safely, tucking her into bed and leaving the water and paracetamol on the bedside table.

She knows she can't go on like this, both of them.

Fiona's shattered and Lauren's going to end up doing something stupid, soon. She doesn't know what to do but then Fiona's vagely remembers Lauren mentioning a Godmother that lived down south. As Lauren was sleeping off her latest hangover, Fiona looked through her contact book.

She found a number for someone down south, tapped the number into her phone and pressed it to her ear. It didn't take long for the person on the other end of the phone to answer;

_"Hello?"_

"Hi is this," she scanned the name in the contact book, "Lisa, Lauren's godmother?"

_"Yes, is everything okay?"_

"I'm Fiona I'm her roommate," she pauses for a second; "Lauren's not good, she's pregnant but she isn't—" she sighs. She didn't realise it would be so difficult to tell someone about Lauren's behaviour; "She's doing what she does best, she's running away. She's drinking heavily and she won't listen to me. I'm worried for her, for them both. Please, you've got to help me. I think you're the only one who can save her so to speak. She'll listen to you."

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	4. CHAPTER IV

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**CHAPTER FOUR**  
_i'll fly to the moon & back._

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Lauren wakes around two in the afternoon, she feels sick and knows last night was a messy one again. She takes two tablets from the fresh packet beside her and swallows them with the water. She gets out of bed, still in last nights clothes and walks into the kitchen,

"Fiona?"

She stops dead in her tracks as she notices who's in the kitchen. She stares at Fiona and feels a rush of anger hit her. How dare she call her Godmother, this had nothing to do with either of them!

"Lauren, Fiona's told me everything."

Lauren goes for Fiona, swearing at her calling her all the names under the sun. Saying that she's a nosey little cow and her life had nothing to do with her. Duffy holds her back as Fiona edges back into the kitchen, feeling quite scared.

"I swear to God Fiona, I'll kill you! I'll fucking kill you!"

"Lauren! Don't do something you'll regret." She stares at Duffy and knows she's right but she can't get over the fact she's been betrayed. She didn't want people to find out about her being pregnant until she got her own head around it.

"She had no right bringing you here, what I do is my business!" She pushes Duffy away and storms back into her bedroom. As she slams the door closed behind her, Fiona makes eye contact with her and shrugs her shoulders.

"Well, I expected that did you?" Fiona turns around and makes them both a cup of tea. She knew today would be a long day, especially where Lauren was concerned. Someone who didn't like accepting help even if that's something she really needs.

/

"Lauren, will you please come out so we can talk."

There's silence on Lauren's part for a second, "Is Fiona there?"

Duffy sighs, "No Fiona's gone to her boyfriend's for a couple of days. She's only trying to help you know?"

"Really?" Lauren answers sarcastically, "Sounds like she's butting her nose in where it's not wanted."

Duffy remembers that really, Lauren pushes everyone away because she's scared. She doesn't like worrying others, tries to cope with things on her own and ends up doing things considered inappropriate. She remembers Baz's funeral when Lauren stumbled into the church, drunk and making a complete fool of herself.

It was the only way Lauren could cope with the fact she'll never see her mother again, "Is it true?"

"What?"

"Is it true that you're pregnant?" There's another silence on Lauren's part and Duffy knows it's true. Fiona wasn't lying when she said Lauren was pregnant.

"Yes," the door opens and Lauren steps out, "I'm pregnant and I'm scared."

There she admits it. She's pregnant. She's scared. It doesn't make her feel any better though, she feels worse than ever. She's admitted it out loud. She's pregnant. She was having a baby and there was no way on the earth she was ready too.

She bursts into tears, "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."

/

"Have you done a test?"

They're sat on the settee, two cups of tea on the coffee table. Lauren's brought her legs to her chest and she hugs them tightly. She allows silence to grow between them before she nods.

"Yeah I've done a pregnancy test, it was positive." She pauses, "I don't know what to do."

"Do you want it?"

Lauren's silent for a second; "Part of me does, the other half doesn't. It's, it's not a baby is it? Not yet. It's nothing yet why do I feel such a bond with it? Because I do. I feel something and I'm confused because," she trials off and sighs.

"Whatever you choose, we'll support you."

"But you won't," she states and make eye contact, "Not really. You're never here, you're life is down south. You can't stop your life just because I'm in trouble. Dad's trying to keep Louis on the right side of the law. Mum's dead. Ethan and I are too young to settle down, there's a million and one reasons why I shouldn't have this baby."

"I'll be there, I promise." She knows she shouldn't make promises she couldn't keep but she'd try. She knew what it was like, to feel uncertain about a baby. She'd been there with Peter, her firstborn. She would never change him for the world and yet, those couple of years when she raised him single-handedly were the toughest years of her life.

"Lauren, look at me." Lauren looks at Duffy, "I promise I'll help you through whatever you decide to do."

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please review:3


	5. CHAPTER V

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**CHAPTER FIVE**  
_& if cupid's got a gun._

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She wakes up, staring at the ceiling and for the first time in four days isn't drunk or hungover.

She puts her hand on her stomach, to the little bean inside and wonders if its a blessing. Her mother hasn't been dead long. Maybe it was a sign from her mother, maybe her mother knew she'd cope, eventually.

She stands up, the bedroom spotless and wonders why she was so cruel to Fiona when she was only trying to help. But she knew being mean and heartless was a small part of her personality. She came out when she was scared, when she didn't know what to do or who to turn too.

She leaves the bedroom, heads into the kitchen and finds Duffy already in the kitchen, making a cup of tea.

"You should go back home," she whispers. Duffy turns around and looks at Lauren, "I'll stay for as long as you need me too."

"You need to go because," she pauses for a second, "You need to go and live your own life, with your own children and not worry about me. Fiona should never have called you, I'm sorry for dragging you all this way."

"Lauren?" Now it was Duffy's turn to pause for a moment. Lauren makes eye contact with her before she continues, "When your mother told me she was pregnant, the first thing she asked was if I could be Godmother. I agreed because I knew, if you ever needed someone to talk too I'd be there. I'd be that person you'd go too. Lauren, my family might be down south but you're my family too. I'll always be there, I promise."

She smiles softly and tucks a strand of hair behind Lauren's ear and strokes her cheek; "Have you decided what you want to do?"

She nods, "Yeah I think I'm going to keep it. What you said last night about being a single mum, it hit me how difficult and life-changing this baby's going to be. I did want to have an abortion but when you said you never regretted raising Peter on your own, I realised I could do this too."

"Are you sure this is what you want? It's going to change your life Lauren but for the better."

She swallows hard and nods. She wants to keep her baby. She doesn't want to kill it because she wasn't sure what was going to happen in the future. She couldn't live like that because having an abortion could be the biggest mistake she'd ever make.

She knows she can do this even if Ethan decided not to be a part of their lives.

She's strong, stronger than she realised and she knew she could do this.

She was going to have this baby, even if it put her career on hold for a short while because this baby, either way she looked at it was a blessing. A beautiful blessing and a new chapter in her life. She wasn't going to throw that away now, not now, not ever.

"Sit down, I'll make the tea."

And she realised, for the first time in four days, she was never lonely and she never will be.

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**jottings** / finished, taken me about 2days. the idea came from watching series 4/5 in the space of like 3weeks or something. if you liked it enough to read, please don't forget to leave a review. thank you :D


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